Things They Say 2
PUNTER: It says "Printer not connected correctly" and it won't print.
TECH: Have you checked the connection?
PUNTER: Which one?
TECH: To the printer
PUNTER: No. Should I do that?
TECH: Is it running under Windows?
PUNTER: Good point! I'm by the wall, but Fred's using his under the Window and he isn't having any problems. Hang on and I'll move my desk.
PUNTER: I've just bought a fax modem and it won't dial long distance numbers.
TECH: Hmmm. What's it doing?
PUNTER: When we put a local number, like one of our friends in, it rings fine, but when we put in a long distance number to use the modem, we just get that recorded message saying "...please check the number and dial again".
TECH: Yes. Probably down to how it's set up to dial long distance numbers. It might be set to dial codes starting with one, not zero, for Americans.
PUNTER: But we don't know how to change that. We've looked at all the settings, and the manual isn't very good.
TECH: It'll be there somewhere, perhaps under "Long distance number prefix" or something.
PUNTER: Yes, but it's not exactly for the numbers, though, is it?
TECH: Er... What exactly are you trying to dial?
PUNTER: These web things. Not numbers - WWW\\ and all that.
TECH: Ah. I think we might be getting close to what the problem is. Those aren't phone numbers.
PUNTER: But we've tried proper numbers too. We've tried some of these e-mail address things, and they don't work either.
TECH: Hmmm. But not actually any phone numbers then?
PUNTER: Should we have to dial a phone number? The guy in the shop said...
PUNTER: I need to install a program, how do I do it?
TECH: Find disk 1 and type ......
PUNTER: How do I know which one is disk one?
TECH: Why, it's the one labelled as Microsoft Windows, Disk 37 of 4. Well, what else could it say?
TECH: Type A:SETUP and that will start windows installation.
PUNTER: A, then what?
PUNTER: What's that?
TECH: A dot above a dot
PUNTER: How do I get that?
TECH: Hold down SHIFT
PUNTER: Where's that?
TECH: Below the CAPS LOCK key, with a big up-arrow on it
PUNTER: OK, just a minute (momentary delay) Right, now what do I press to get the colon?
TECH: The key to the right of the L key
PUNTER: Just a minute (another delay) OK, now what?
TECH: Type setup
PUNTER: Just a minute (another delay) Now what
TECH: Press enter
PUNTER: Just a minute, don't go away (another mind-boggling delay) Alright, it's going again, now what?
TECH: It's already running isn't it?
PUNTER: Oh, yes! Right, thanks then, bye.
(Three minutes and one phone call later).....PUNTER: Hello, it's me again, it said CHOOSE EXPRESS SETUP AND PRESS ENTER TO CONTINUE but I've done that and it's not working.
TECH: Try pressing ENTER again.
PUNTER: Oh yes! thank you, bye
(A few minutes later).......PUNTER: Hello, It's me again (Who I wonder?). It says ENTER YOUR NAME. I've put my name in. Is that right?
TECH: Yes sir (now speaking through gritted teeth).
PUNTER: OK, bye then.
PUNTER: I'm having a problem. I can find Works, Lotus, Navigator, in fact, everything else, by using the little START button in the bottom left corner of the screen but I can't find Windows 95!!
PUNTER: I've got an Advent, and I want to know if its possible for it to scan all my directories for viruses when it starts up?
TECH: Yes of course, just use a virus checker.
PUNTER: What's that?
PUNTER: Hello I`ve got a Packard Bell 486 and I want to use a microphone with it.
TECH: OK, have you got a sound card?
PUNTER: Err no, do I need one?
TECH: Yes it would help.
PUNTER: Arr, right thanks, bye.
PUNTER: I've got this CD with my Packard Bell. "Learn French with Asterix".
PUNTER: Well, I can't understand it, it's speaking in French
PUNTER: I've got a problem with this compooa we've just bought.
TECH: What machine is it?
PUNTER: It's a Packard Bell.
TECH: OK. What's the problem?
PUNTER: It's Untitled. I think there's something we just haven't done yet, but all the software was supposed to be in there. It just keeps coming up Untitled. It's CorelDRAW! 4 and it's untitled....Hello? It's just saying untitled. Are we supposed to put something else on it? Hello?
TECH:You'll just have to hang on whilst I laugh...
PUNTER: It says "In order for these changes to take effect.."
TECH: OK, click on the button labelled "Restart windows now"
PUNTER: Which one is that then?
TECH: The one that says "Restart windows now"
PUNTER: Oh yes! - I'm new to all this....he-he....
TECH: Which version of Windows do you have sir?
PUNTER: I Don't know
TECH: Well how do you start programs?
PUNTER: What do you mean?
TECH: How do you start Works for example?....... Do you click on a little picture....., or do you select from a menu?........ Do you have a START button in the bottom left corner?
PUNTER: I don't understand the question
TECH: When you start the machine it puts up the version of windows in V-E-R-Y B-I-G letters, does it say 3-something, or Windows 95?
PUNTER: I don't know. Perhaps I'll run it and see, then call you back
PUNTER: I'm having problems logging onto the Internet
TECH: What's happening
PUNTER: Well how do I do it?
TECH: Who is your service provider?
TECH: Who is your Internet account with?
PUNTER: What account?
PUNTER: What do I type in at the C prompt to start Word for Windows?
TECH: It's a Windows program sir, so you'll need to start it from Windows, not Dos.
PUNTER: But I've spilt coffee on my manual.....
PUNTER: Oh. Can you just hold on for a minute?
TECH: Yes, OK.
PUNTER: Er... I've got to go for a wee - sorry.
TECH: Er. Can I remind you that this wee is being charged at 39p a minute.
TECH: OK. Click on 'Settings'. ...
TECH: What's it doing?
PUNTER: It's just going 'Brrrr Brrrr'.... Oh.... Look at that! Look! See what it's doing now!
PUNTER: Got this game, Jurassic Park - don't run...
TECH: You need to speak to the makers of the software
PUNTER: Where are they?
TECH: Who made the game?
PUNTER: Just a minute....(long break)......hello?...Steven Spielberg.
TECH: Could you put that CD into the drive?
PUNTER: Er...Sorry, you'll have to talk me through that.
TECH: Good afternoon, etc ... Calls are charged at 49p per min. How can I help you?
PUNTER: Good afternoon, My names Bill, I'm using Windows 95 and I'm on drugs. I hope you can help me..
PUNTER: My light on my monitor keeps flashing at me
TECH: When you turned the PC on which switch did you use?
PUNTER: The one on the monitor
TECH: Have you turned the computer on?
PUNTER: How do you do that?
TECH: Well, there is a switch on the front of the machine that you press to turn it on.
PUNTER: I'm trying to set my password up for Faxworks.
TECH: OK, so, what does it say.
PUNTER: It says enter a four DIGIT password and I'm trying to put in "BLUE".
TECH: Mmm, right. I think what its trying to say is....
TECH: What processor is in the machine?
PUNTER: Processor? I don't know...I think I just go into Notepad, don't I?
TECH: Good morning, you're through to .....
PUNTER: I've got a problem with my spreadsheet.
TECH: Oh yes, which spreadsheet do you have?
PUNTER: Windows 93.
TECH: No sir, Windows is not a spreadsheet. Which version of Windows do you have?
PUNTER: Windows 93
TECH: No sir, you either have windows 3.1 or windows 95. which one have you got.
PUNTER: Windows 93.
TECH: Are you sure?
PUNTER: Yes definitely Windows 93.
TECH: Just try this for me sir, go to Help, go to About, what does it say?
PUNTER: Windows v3.11
TECH: (through gritted teeth) So which version of Windows do you have?
PUNTER: Windows 3.11
TECH: Thank you! Now you were saying that you have a problem with a spreadsheet. Which one do you have?
PUNTER: Windows 93
TECH: So youve got a Packard Bell 901s
TECH: So what is the problem.?
PUNTER: Windows 95 has locked up on me. Also I've just installed the Stealth 2meg D Ram video driver disc.
TECH: Really ! Those stealth cards are pretty neat, wait a minute! You did say you had a Packard Bell didn't you !
TECH: Have you actually bought a Diamond Stealth graphic card?
PUNTER: No. Whats one of them then?
PUNTER: When I turn my machine on it is continually freezing...
TECH: Do you have Windows in your machine?
PUNTER: No, but I have an egg rack and salad tray.
At this point it becomes apparent the bloke has a fridge freezer, and not a computer....
TECH: Good evening, etc...
PUNTER: Oh hello, I have a problem with my Apricot MS540, I keep getting an error on my screen when I load Cyberworks
TECH: Ok, what does the error say ?
PUNTER: I don't know.
TECH: Well, can you read it ?
PUNTER: No, I'm not in front of the machine.
TECH: Ok, can you get near the machine and turn it on ?
PUNTER: No, not really, the machines at my office, and I'm at home
TECH: So you didn't right down the error, you don't know what the error was, and you can't run the program now so that you can tell me the error ?
PUNTER: That's right.
TECH: I see...What would you like me to do for you exactly madam ?
PUNTER: I cannot get into the typing program on my Packard Bell, all it does is go into the tutorial.
TECH: What have you got on the screen. ?
PUNTER: The introduction guide.
TECH: Okay if you can exit out of that. What have you got on the screen ?
PUNTER: It says Navigator Electronic Manuals...
PUNTER: I cannot get this game working on my Packard Bell, it keeps coming up with the message "Fine Squishy Roll"
TECH: How much memory does the game need ?
TECH: How much memory have you got ?
PUNTER: My 9001 has 8MB, that should be enough shouldn't it ?
(There now followed a brief easy guide to basic maths). N.B. For this game (the name escapes me) "Fine Squishy Roll" means not enough memory to run the game!
PUNTER: I'm having some trouble installing Little Big Adventure..
TECH: What's the problem...
PUNTER: It locks up just after the opening sequence...
TECH: Ahh! - just before it starts to play sound! - I have this game, and this error usually means you've chosen the wrong sound card.
PUNTER: Ohh... I see... ... what does that mean then...?
TECH: The game is looking for a sound card that you don't have, try re-installing the game and selecting Microsoft Sound System ...
Long Pause ....PUNTER: What! ...
TECH: Microsoft Sound System...
PUNTER: MAX WALL SOUND SYSTEM?!?!
TECH: No Sir!, Microsoft... Micro-Soft!
Just Had another guy on trying to run Screamer 2... After a 30 min session fighting to get the game installed...TECH: Okay, the game is installed now - can you see the S2 (Screamer2) folder?
TECH: Okay then, open that up with the mouse...
PUNTER: Urrrm? - I think it's disappeared...
PUNTER:The folder has disappeared... I think!
TECH: Okay then, what exactly did you click on to open the folder?
PUNTER: Errrrr... I clicked it with the RIGHT button first...
TECH: (Deeply suspicious) And...
PUNTER: I clicked on erm... DELETE... is that correct?
TECH: No sir... (weep weep)
And guess what! - it wasn't even in the Recycle Bin!!
I had a call today from a customer who had bought FIFA97 at a store and couldn't load it. It turned out that the CD had several tracks of classical music on it and nothing else!
PUNTER: I'm trying to upgrade my MS Works to MS Word, so I borrowed the Windows 95 upgrade disk and ran that through my computer, but it didn't work?
Well it did work, it screwed the womans computer up. The story continues.....TECH: Okay, can you put the Master CD, and Master CD Floppy in, and restart the computer.
PUNTER: That's the Master CD, and the Floppy, yeah?
TECH: Yes, and re-start the computer.
5 Minutes later .....PUNTER: Okay it's done that.
TECH: What have you got on the screen?
PUNTER: Welcome to Windows 95 setup
TECH: Which CD and Disk have you got in the computer ?
PUNTER: The Windows 95 Disk and CD
PUNTER: I'm trying to stop this red icon appearing on the task bar whenever my machine starts up.
TECH: Okay we'll remove Comm Central from the start-up and then reboot the machine.
PUNTER: That's great, the icon has gone. I'll just load Comm Central up again..Oh no it's back again. How do I stop it appearing completely?
PUNTER: When I try to print charts, my lines appear uneven..
TECH: OK Sir it sounds like it needs calibrating, the program is in DOS...
PUNTER: I can't find it, can you send out an engineer?
TECH: I'm afraid not sir, we can't send out engineers for software..
PUNTER: How do you know it's a software problem?
TECH: Because that it the symptom that shows when a printer needs calibrating...you might want to try re-installing the driver if you cant find the calibrate program..
PUNTER: Well if I need to use the disk to solve it, isn't that classed as hardware?
PUNTER: Ive just been left this PB in my Brothers will, and its got a password on it, can you help?
TECH: Okay, if you can get the computer into Win95, and show us where the password is.
PUNTER: Okay when I go into My Computer and Double click on any of the icons in there.
TECH: Okay if you can click on Start, and Find, and then Files and Folders
PUNTER: It says please enter a password.
TECH: Okay, if you can click on Start, ShutDown and Restart in MS-DOS mode.
PUNTER: It says please enter password.
TECH: Okay if you can click on Start, and then Run.
PUNTER: It says Please Enter password.
TECH: Right, if you can click on Start, Settings, andthen Control panel.
PUNTER: It says Please Enter password.
TECH: Did you get a Master CD with the computer ? (Or failing that have you tried a seance?)
Ive got this CD, can I back it up onto floppy disks?
I just had a woman on the phone who was very concerned because she thought she was going to be arrested, her son had opened the license agreement for one of the cd's that came with the machine, and she didn't know if this would get her in trouble, then she kept getting "illegal operation errors" and thought she had broken the law.