Classic Things They Say
PUNTER: My CD-Rom doesn't work, and I'm really annoyed.
TECH: What are you trying to run?
PUNTER: My CD-Rom
TECH: I mean what program(slight snarl)
PUNTER: Well, I put the CD into the drive and nothing happens.
TECH: Do you actually type or select anything?
PUNTER: I can't get FunSchool 5 to run, it just crashes, and I'm running through Dos like it tells me.
TECH: Have you tried re-installing?
PUNTER: Yes, in fact I'm in the Setup program now
TECH: Read the selections to me
PUNTER: Ok, I've configured it same as before, Cirrus Logic Graphics card, controller is mouse, and soundcard is Soundblaster.
TECH: Does your machine have a soundcard?
PUNTER: No I don't think so.
TECH: Are you over 18?
TECH: How old are you?
PUNTER: Nearly 15
PUNTER: I can't get out of Windows
TECH: What have you got on screen?
PUNTER: Production Manager.
PUNTER: I haven't got enough memory to run SeaWolf
TECH: Have you made a games boot disc through the installation program as it suggests?
PUNTER: Yes !
PUNTER: I've still got the same amount of conventional memory as before
TECH: Have you actually tried booting up with the boot disc in the disc drive?
PUNTER: Oh, is that what it's for?
PUNTER: I can't find that Moss program
TECH: I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you are on about. What is this Moss program? Do you mean Dos?
PUNTER: No, it's that Home Accounting program.
TECH: Right, I think what you mean is the SAGE program
PUNTER: Yes, that's it. I knew it had something to do with plants.
TECH: Hold down the shift key
PUNTER: That's the caps lock key then?
TECH: No, the SHIFT key sir
PUNTER: Mine says CAPS LOCK on it
TECH: No, the one below it
PUNTER: Oh, the Big Up Arrow one!
TECH: (After many boot failures) Are you sure it's Dos Disk One that's in the drive?
PUNTER: (In anger) Yes I'll take it out and show you so you can see it for yourself!!
PUNTER: It says press a key to continue
PUNTER: Do I press a key then?
TECH: Turn your machine off and restart
PUNTER: (after long delay) ........What, turn it off and start again?
PUNTER: I use your services a lot and I must admit that you all must be genius's
PUNTER: No, don't belittle yourselves, you're all bloody marvellous. You have a hell of a lot of knowledge there
(how did this one get in here?)
PUNTER: Where can I find the "Mail" icon in windows?
TECH: You mean, as in electronic mail?
PUNTER: Yes that's right
TECH: Are you on a network sir?
PUNTER: No, why?
TECH: Well Mail is just for transferring messages about on a network
PUNTER: Well if I install windows again but with a network this time, will I be able to use Mail?
TECH: Only if you're on a network sir
PUNTER: Well how do I go about getting a network then?
TECH: You have to buy at least two machines, a couple of network cards, some cable, some software etc.......
PUNTER: Oh, right, thank-you.
PUNTER: I've just bought Rise of the Robots and it says on the box "To play this game you need a sound card and a graphics card capable of SVGA graphics."
TECH: Yes, so?
PUNTER: Well I haven't got a soundcard or SVGA graphics.
PUNTER: Well does it mean I can't run the game?
TECH: Type in Format C: and press enter
PUNTER: It say's formatting 3% ... How many does it go up to?
PUNTER: I think that my system has locked up. The pointer is just sitting there in the middle of the screen.
TECH: Can you move it at all?
TECH: No...I don't think that it has locked up....
PUNTER: I've got a Highscreen that has installed a password onto itself while I was on holiday. It also formatted it's hard disk with doublespace by itself. It did that twice. The first time I had to install all my software again, now it's done it again. I'm getting really sick of this, I want it swapping!
PUNTER: Hello, do you do tubular models, one male and one female?
TECH: ...I'm sorry, are you referring to models of computer?
PUNTER: I'm not sure
TECH: ...Well, are you aware that this is a help line for computers
TECH: So what you're asking is...
PUNTER: Do you do tubular models, one male and one female.
TECH: ...I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you mean.
PUNTER: I'll call you back.
TECH: Good Evening, etc.. Calls are being charged at 49p a minute...
PUNTER: (sound of coins being hastily fed into payphone) How much? I'm in a phonebox! Can you phone me back?
TECH: No, sorry.
PUNTER: Oh shi- beep beep eep...click
TECH: (one minute later), Good Evening etc... Calls are being charged at 49p a minute...
PUNTER: Are you sure you can't phone me back!
TECH: No, I can't. Sorry.
PUNTER: Oh shi- beep beep beep...click
PUNTER: I can't get Works to run in Program Manager
TECH: Have you loaded it?
TECH: Well try it. Just double-click on the Works Icon
PUNTER: I can't
TECH: Why not?
PUNTER: It isn't there
TECH: Which group is it in?
TECH: The group, is there a Microsoft group, or a Productivity group?
TECH: What groups are there?
TECH: See the word "WINDOWS" at the top of the screen, click on it and it'll drop down a menu
PUNTER: No it doesn't
TECH: Try again
TECH: It hasn't given you a menu then?
TECH: Read off the lines then
PUNTER: Main, Accessories, Microsoft, Productivity, etc...
This came from a guy who works for a Software house
CUSTOMER: I have problems with your software
ADVISOR: Send me a copy of the disk and we will investigate the problem
Next day on opening the mail he received a very nice photocopy of a program disk.
TECH: Whats on your screen at the moment?
PUNTER: MS Works
TECH: Could you get back to Program Manager for me please
PUNTER: Right. I've got the C:\> prompt
PUNTER: My HP500C wont print in colour. HP say the computer is faulty.
TECH: I can't see that being right. Can we try a self test?
(Customer sets up computer and follows instructions)
TECH: Has it printed any colour?
TECH: Hmmm. Thats funny.
PUNTER: Oh. Do you think I should put the colour cartridge in?
PUNTER: My machine has broken, it doesn't work anymore.
TECH: What make you say that?
PUNTER: I exited out of Navigator and it said "Are you sure you wish to exit?", then the screen went blank.
TECH: Can you see anything at all on the screen?
PUNTER: Only on the left side, where it says "C:\>"...
PUNTER: Hello, I'm running windows in enchanted mode...
PUNTER: I want to book a job in, I've already rang once and he took all my details and then said I needed my policy number.
TECH: OK Lets get started then. (blah,blah)..... What machine is it?
PUNTER: (after much debate) PS/1
TECH: Which one sir?
PUNTER: I don't know!
TECH: It has another part to the model number, four digits, etc, etc....
PUNTER: I'm going to have to call back yet again then?
TECH: Well yes, until you know what machine you actually have I don't know which parts to book.
PUNTER: Why not?
PUNTER: I've lost Tabworks on my Compaq, HELP!
TECH: No worries, tell me, what exactly happened.
PUNTER: Well, there was this icon what said "UNINSTALL TABWORKS" with a big red cross through it. So clicked on it and it said DO YOU REALLY WANT TO UNINSTALL TABWORKS, so I pressed yes naturally.
TECH: Mmmmmm tell me about your childhood.
Punter has just finished writing his first book on his new computer. He has got to send it to the Publisher immediately, and there is just a hint of panic in his voice.PUNTER: I have just finished writing my book and saved the file on the hard disk. I then started a new file with nothing in it and saved it on the hard disk with the same name as my book.
PUNTER: Now when I open the file to look at my book there is nothing in it. Why, and is there anything I can do?
TECH: Do you remember what your book was about, and how fast can you type?
PUNTER: I have just gone into the mouse icon in the control panel and set the click speed to max to see what it did.
PUNTER: I cannot click my mouse that fast and I cannot get back into the Control Panel to set it back again.
PUNTER: I've just bought a Toshiba laptop and Lotus Smartsuite. I've backed-up my bundled software, onto the Lotus Smartsuite disks......... Now Smartsuite won't install.
PUNTER: I`ve got a problem with my Advent.
TECH: O.K. whats the problem?
PUNTER: Well it's all pink you see.
TECH: Pink? The monitor, right?
PUNTER: No, the computer.
PUNTER: You see I left it in the hall way when we were painting and I covered the keyboard and the monitor but not the computer itself, and now my 6 year old son`s got his hands on it and the pink paint and just to make things worse he put painted floppy disks in the floppy drive and now I don`t want to switch it back on!
TECH: Are you covered by warranty?
TECH: Tell me, how do you feel about your son becoming an artist at such an early age?
TECH: OK, you need a new hard drive, do you know what size youve got fitted?
PUNTER: I'll just find out.....
In the background punter can be heard "Just pass me that ruler please..."
PUNTER: 32 inches by 33 inches
PUNTER: My fax is broken
TECH: What's the problem with it?
PUNTER: It's putting a red line about 1 cm thick down the edge of the page, how soon can you fix it?
TECH: Is it starting to run low on paper?
PUNTER: How should I know?
PUNTER: I've got a new Compaq, and I've been stuck in Dos since last night, I've tried everything..
TECH: What have you got on the screen now?
TECH: Ok. Type WIN and press the enter key
TECH: ...and what's the postcode there?
PUNTER: The code?
TECH: Yes. The postcode.
PUNTER: I don't know.
TECH: We need it to know what engineer to send.
PUNTER: What? From Durham to here?
TECH: No. Just the postcode.
PUNTER: Are you in Durham?
PUNTER: I don't know what the postcode is from Durham to here. I'll ask my husband.
PUNTER: OK. It's Gives correct postcode.
TECH: Good. What's the phone number?'
TECH: No. What's the code
PUNTER: From Durham to here?
TECH: Sob. Sob. No. Just the code for [place name deleted to protect innocent residents].
PUNTER: I don't know. Will you need that? I've got the phone number.
TECH: But we need the code to be able to ring you.
PUNTER: I'll go and ask my husband.
PUNTER: How do I start WordPerfect 5.1?
TECH: Type WP at the DOS prompt
PUNTER: I've done that, and it did not work
TECH: Have you got a copy of WordPerfect 5.1 installed on this system?
PUNTER: I can't get enough continental memory..
TECH: When it says STARTING MSDOS, press F5. You must do this AS SOON AS you see STARTING MS-DOS. You must be quick as it is only on the screen for a second. Do not stop to think. Do not hesitate. Press F5 IMMEDIATELY! Ok...now restart your machine.
PUNTER: ...It says Starting MsDos....do I press F5 now?